Do you see me Lord? I feel alone and forgotten at times. Misunderstood. Invisible. The world continues its rotation spinning, spinning even faster these days. A whirling top that will surely tumble. Am I just a speck on this twirling planet? Do you really see me from above? Your word […]
grief loss longing
How Does it Feel, Now That You’re an Orphan?
The question surprised me, since I’d never thought of myself as an orphan, but I immediately recognized the truth of it. With my father’s death some years ago and my mother’s death more recently, I had become part of the “older generation” in my family—fatherless, motherless, an orphan. My father’s death was the first death […]
The Regrets of a Middle-Aged Virgin
I’m a life-long singleton. I’ve been in love twice but never got as far a long-term relationship. The last time I kissed anyone with tenderness and passion was . . . well, a long time ago. I’m a middle-aged virgin. I remember the day I reluctantly confessed this to the practice nurse in my local […]
Fear and Faith in the Desert Places
I love Robert Frost’s poem “Desert Places.” Typical of Frost, the speaker in this poem describes a natural environment of forests, fields, and snow. But this isn’t a beautiful or peaceful place. Quite the opposite: it’s a place of darkness, cold, and isolation–it’s a menacing and threatening place. For me, the genius of the poem […]
When the Sore Memories Encroach
“This is the worst day ever!” my nine-year-old son claimed. Since nothing of consequence had actually happened that day, I countered, “Oh, there have been far worse days.” “Like what?” he asked. “Like the day Grandma died.” “I don’t really remember that day. I was only four years old,” he replied. I would’ve been okay […]
And Yet.
I’m not good at waiting. I never have been. Sadly, I can take after Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, “Daddy, I want a golden goose, and I want it NOW!” Because the waiting is right where hope can feel a bit foolish. I sat in the bathtub one morning as child […]
Bridge Over Broken
Break. Shatter. Fracture. Rift. The words we use to describe the end of a relationship are all about being broken to pieces. When a close friendship ended in the bitter cold of winter, I was surprised to be staring at the deepest, hardest grief I have ever felt. I refused to believe that I needed […]
When Loss Messes With Your Faith
We were going to wait seven years before having children. I thought we agreed on five. “No, seven,” my husband insists.Three years into marriage I suddenly developed a ferocious longing for a baby. It took a year to convince my husband and another 12 months to conceive. But the little white pill worked the first […]
Losing Us and Finding Us as Lovers
There is a loss that presses hard on my chest some days, the days when I look out over hills, or a certain slant of light catches me just so, or the way a musty book opened now smells just like the PR and PS books in that old Scottish library and I’m right back […]
The Regrets of a Middle-Aged Virgin
I’m a life-long singleton. I’ve been in love twice but never got as far a long-term relationship. The last time I kissed anyone with tenderness and passion was . . . well, a long time ago. I’m a middle-aged virgin. I remember the day I reluctantly confessed this to the practice nurse in my local […]
When the Tidal Wave Hits
My nails were wet and half finished when I started ugly crying for seemingly no reason. The poor man who was painting them simply asked me if there was anything he could do. There wasn’t really. This wasn’t about the manicure. It was just that his chair was the first place I had sat down […]
Through Seasons of Motherhood
My baby girl will be three in October. She’s into Pixar movies and puzzles and loves singing “Amazing Grace” with her pretend microphone. She’s mostly introverted. She’s already a Type A, and she’s growing more independent every day. She’s becoming a little lady right before my eyes, and it makes me weepy to see how […]
When Death Meets You at Retreat
Last month, I was at a writing retreat in a space designed to nurture creativity and clarity. I was in a space where death was not allowed to be, where I was supposed to be insightful, to reflect peacefully, to swim in my internal depth and cherish the weight of my words and ideas. The […]
Mourning the Life You Thought You Would Have
When my husband and I got married we moved from Miami, Florida to Wake Forest, North Carolina. We were beyond excited to get out of Miami. I wouldn’t say we hated Miami, I think we were just longing to see what was out there. We wanted to experience a different life from the one we […]
From the Ashes
The last year has perhaps been the most difficult one of my life. Last summer, my husband Andy and I began to seriously discuss abandoning our life plan of forever living among the poor in the slums of India. As we talked, we stood on a rooftop garden overlooking the snowcapped Himalayas and the small […]
How Does it Feel, Now That You’re an Orphan?
The question surprised me, since I’d never thought of myself as an orphan, but I immediately recognized the truth of it. With my father’s death some years ago and my mother’s death more recently, I had become part of the “older generation” in my family—fatherless, motherless, an orphan. My father’s death was the first death […]
Substance and Empty Space
For a couple years after my father died, his belongings continued to inhabit our home. A neat row of ironed dress shirts hung in his closet; a soldering iron rested on the workbench in the garage; his favorite books held their territory on the shelves. As the months passed, and I finished my freshman year […]
This is a Post About Loss
This is a post about loss. I write this over and over again. Ambling through the labyrinth trying to think of just the right thing to say. I don’t think there is a right thing anymore. If you haven’t become an intimate friend with loss, with the emptiness that comes from the missing, then you […]