I just had to manually input the word “vlogger” into my spell check. I’m using that word a lot lately. After three years of writing words, on screens, and posting them on blogs, I’ve started monologuing to the camera.
For most of my life I would never have dreamed that I would sit in front of a camera, and talk, and that would be something that I was doing on purpose. But that was before I talked to every reality TV casting team in the entire country.
^^THAT is hyperbole. But stay with me. I’m an off grid mom, of three. I live in a yurt, which is a fascinating alternative housing option that also happens to be very photogenic. I’m easy to find on social media. They find me. They want to talk to me. They’re very energetic. I’m feeling a bit tired just telling you about it.
I always answer them. I always do, because I have this rule—that I didn’t make up at all, but am also not exactly sure how to trace—that when God opens a door I’m not the one to close it.
Mixed feelings here. Also, whatever is beyond mixed feelings, like, blended and sautéed feelings. I’m not reality TV star material. Which is good, because what cute, happy young family have you ever seen star in a reality TV show and then stay cute and happy? I need reclusiveness almost as much as I need coffee. I have experience being notorious, from the fame of my mother, who was a successful author in her day. And that wasn’t all day every day roses, if you know what I mean.
Still, I show up; still, I answer the emails and messages; still, I wonder where God is calling me.
Sometimes I feel like live tweeting the conversations I’m having, with casting directors, because they’re so unreal. (I’m going to repeat that word: unreal. See what I did there?) And yet, I have never regretted letting God open these strange doors.
In all these conversations, over three years, I have had to speak clearly, under pressure, about who I am and what I stand for. Over and over again. On camera.
I’ve learned that I tend to start my sentences with “So.” I’ve learned that when I start talking I click my tongue. I’ve learned that it is my natural comfortable state to be in motion, especially with my hands, and if I don’t allow that, I feel awkward in my body and it ruins everything. I’ve learned that it’s very hard to talk unless you know somebody you’re talking to. And I‘ve learned that you can be pretty easily tricked into saying things you didn’t mean. Even if you thought for sure that would never happen to you, it really can.
Basically, I’ve gotten a lot of free media training. And I’ve gotten a lot of practice talking about exactly who I am, and exactly what I stand for, in essentially unsympathetic situations.
I’m not sure where I’d be, without these conversations. I have never made a change in my life because of what a TV person wanted from me. Never. Not even a small one. It’s never gone that far. But I have made changes in my life because I had just been asked to defend what I was doing and I realized that I couldn’t. I have made changes in my life because I drew out the line to where I wanted to go and it highlighted that one next step. I have made changes in my life because I had attached myself to one or two or ten very lofty values and made myself publicly accountable to those attachments.
And THAT, I am pretty sure, is what God has called me to. Not reality TV, but reality. Not fame, but accountability. Not crazy over-sharing all the things, but not hiding my candle, either, under my social anxiety or my photogenic yurt roof. This is how God is calling me, always, to close the gap between who I say I am and what I do.
I don’t always want to be accountable to others for every little action that I choose to take. I don’t always want to have to draw the lines between what I think and what my life looks like, especially on camera, in an audition setting. But I’m glad the challenge keeps arising. It’s a challenge I want to always be able to meet. And, now, vlogger that I have recently become, it’s a challenge I am setting for myself.
So, thank you, highly energetic TV casting directors. And thank you to the coffee (or acai smoothies?) you clearly keep drinking. You’ve shaped the way I move through this strange world.
- I’m Not Going to Preach About Josh Duggar - February 12, 2019
- Why I Live in a Yurt, Off the Grid, in Idaho;Or: The Empty Space - August 29, 2016
- In Which This Is a Change, But It Isn’t a Goodbye - February 10, 2016
11 thoughts on “Why I Wouldn’t Be Where I Am Without Reality TV”
I find the same thing to be true in my teaching and blogging — I’m very careful about making pronouncements that I can’t live out. My community is small and close. Most of the women I teach are the mothers of my kids’ friends, so we go from the Beatitudes in the classroom to sassy teenagers in the parking lot.
As you have said, making oneself “publicly accountable” to an attachment can really change your thinking. So glad that you keep sharing your story about how you “move through this strange world.”
Thanks so much, Michele.
This was a really fascinating post for me to read. Obviously I know next to nothing about how reality TV shows are pitched, but the idea of them sort of hunting you down and talking with you about filming and everything and what that means for having to defend your lifestyle/choices… huh.
Yeah. It’s wild stuff. Talk about my WILD off the grid life, lol. The weirdest thing is the TV people!!
Love this, Esther. Wow, I don’t know how I’d deal with those kind of interviews. But I love that you have found a way to more transparency and knowing yourself better through them. I know I have loved the accountability of writing every day in the last month. Whether or not anyone actually was waiting each day to see if I was writing, I felt like they might be. And that in itself motivated me. Public accountability is a real motivator, isn’t it?
Yes, a real motivator. To good and to evil. 🙂 I hope to use it to motivate me well.
“This is how God is calling me, always, to close the gap between who I say I am and what I do.” I feel like that is what we all need to do. We don’t all have reality tv people coming after us, but we do have platforms whether large or small. I think the blogging really helps me to think about what I say and try to make sure I speak authentically. I want to be able to share my life including the hard parts if they will help others. Your words are always a delight to read. Many times they are convicting, in a good way! I love what you do, and I love you!
I love you, Gayl! Thank you.
Yes, I get this. I call it integrity, living so that there’s not space between who I am in public and who I am alone. I so appreciate your yearning for this, I think it’s a heavenly one that calls us back to a garden where we are naked and without shame.
Beautiful image, Lindsey.