It’s here whether we like it or not—Christmas. For many this season is filled with the fullness of family togetherness. The turkey with all the trimmings. It is the time for unwrapping the red-ribbon-gift we placed first on our list. It is the season of sparkly lights and the steady fragrance of evergreen. Cut trees […]
Grief
In Which Rescue is on Deck
I turn 40 later this month, and as such have become hella reflective. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. So much so, I’m thinking of canceling my 40th birthday party. Please, please forgive my swears, but what is the gottdamb mutha-effin’ point of a celebration when you are wildly […]
I’m Thankful for my Grief About the Election
It would be so much easier to bear a Trump presidency if I hadn’t learned about structural racism. Easier if I’d avoided stories from my black and brown friends about micro-aggressions, ignored history, police violence, and daily grief. Easier to stay positive if I hadn’t figured out exactly how sexual assault happened in my high […]
Whatever Darkness You Are in Right Now
“A speck of light can reignite the sun And swallow darkness whole.” Ryan O’Neal Our theme this month is an important one. It brings the year to a close with essays about what rescue looks like, how deliverance can transform life, where redemption can be found. It’s especially close to my heart. I’ve been rescued […]
When the Word “Holidays” Stresses You Out
You know what my idea of a holiday is? A normal day. Laundry, hanging with my kids, and, by 9:30 pm, watching a murder mystery with my husband while I eat raisin bran. Even better: doing all that in slippers. Normal days are easy. On a normal day, I have a routine. I know what’s […]
The Comfort of Luminous Lights
“He is my God though dark my road He holds me, I shall not fall Whatever my God ordains as right To him I leave it all. Sweet comfort, sweet comfort Yet shall fill my heart” –Sandra McCracken, Sweet Comfort The past few years have been the most difficult of my life. I’ve been […]
When Caring for Others Hurts
For years I have struggled with what to do with the feelings of sadness and pain that I have collected over my lifetime from taking care of my child with cancer, adjusting to a failed marriage, and working as a nurse in a cancer center. When we care deeply for someone, we feel their pain […]
Forty Three Steps
I didn’t want to see it again. I was quite happy letting my husband be the one who would let in the occasional handyman, plumber, or real estate agent. But this time, there were no other options, so it was me walking the 43 steps to the third floor of the vintage building where we […]
Joy in the Pain
I sat on my couch listening to the words of an “oldie but goodie” song that I love. “Joy and pain, like sunshine and rain…” I had been dealing with a lot of anxiety, fear and just the craziest up and down emotions. I wasn’t feeling my best and I really didn’t know why. Well, […]
When the Sore Memories Encroach
“This is the worst day ever!” my nine-year-old son claimed. Since nothing of consequence had actually happened that day, I countered, “Oh, there have been far worse days.” “Like what?” he asked. “Like the day Grandma died.” “I don’t really remember that day. I was only four years old,” he replied. I would’ve been okay […]
Sitting with Jesus at Sex Camp
I remember meeting Jesus once at sex camp. It wasn’t our first meeting, but an important one. Everyday I walked up to a giant, beautiful, colorful painting of Jesus’s head, hair blowing in the wind. The massive painting hung on the wall of the Church where I was attending a week long retreat for women […]
No Small Thing
He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not. Small moments of being young flashed before my mind. I remembered my friends picking apart flowers in the hot Florida sun to determine the affection of their crush of the week. I was never a ‘boy crazy’ […]
The Mercy of Speckled Stars
Memories are like stars speckled across the night sky. Rarely linear in form, they’re merely loosely connected dots in the synapses of the brain. They appear and disappear. They reappear in different places, in different forms. Their stories change every time. They differ from person to place, perspective to circumstance. They’re pieces of the past […]
I Failed to Become the Perfect Spouse
The last night of my honeymoon, almost fifteen years ago, I set an alarm to wake us up for our first day back at work—and started to cry. “Our honeymoon is over,” I wailed. “Things have been so great so far, but this has been the easy part. What will happen when things get harder?” […]
One Small Square
The sigh was collective. Weighted with a tangible disappointment it was all we could do to make space for it as we gathered after class one day. Numerous stories of police violence against Black women were being highlighted within the national consciousness and our emotions were all over the place. Female members of the student […]
On “Racial Reconciliation” and “Getting Your Cousins”
“Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection…” -Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., “Letter from a Birmingham Jail”, 1963 Reconcile: to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement (Merriam-Webster Dictionary) […]
For When I Am Yearning
There is a bridal portrait, 8 ½x11 in a crackled frame that sits atop my husband’s dresser in our bedroom. In it, I am twenty years old, blonde hair, shock white smile, blue eyes glistening at the hope of the future. My veil spills out all around me and though I am covered in a […]
I’m Ready to Lighten the Heck Up
My first time in any serious therapy, my counselor told me I was depressed. I laughed. It was kind of high-pitched, as if someone had twisted a treble knob too tight. “I’m not depressed,” I tittered. “I’m the happiest person I know! I’m happy all the time!” Thinking back to my cockeyed optimism, I wince, […]