Where I Am Today

I can feel the tears

And this time I’m trying really hard to stay near You

But I can feel the water behind my eyes

Sometimes making it hard for me to see You.

 

I can feel the waves of doubt

Hitting me like bullets in a windstorm

And I’m squinting my eyes

Trying to see You although my vision often times feels weary and worn.

 

But I did say that I would seek You

In hope as well as in despair.

I did say that this time I would keep You near

And not push You off like You don’t care.

 

I did say that I would not close off my heart

Like I’ve done so many times before.

I did say that I would try out this new journey of trust

Even if it meant walking while I’m sore.

 

And yes, sometimes I feel like I have a limp,

And yet, I have to walk through my daily routine like nothing’s wrong

But this time, I’m trying to stay near Your heart

So I can hear You as You delight over me with a song.

 

There’s a decision to make.

I can hear an old soundtrack playing a familiar tune.

It invites me to cast off this fight to be strong

And instead recline to a familiar position that doesn’t trust You with this wound.

 

The familiar tune encourages me to shove off assurance

And keep distrust as the forerunner of thought

While passing the baton to victimization and dismay

Oftentimes keeping any opportunity for peace at fault.

 

And I know that tune

I can sing and belt out every word.

It’s the song that I know all too well

Because in some broken places in my heart, it’s the only song I’ve ever heard.

 

But I said I would listen to new lyrics

Ones that emphasized your faithfulness—even in tears

Lyrics that take away my woe and sorrow

Even if that’s all I’ve known for years.

 

I made a vow to my heart

That I would lean back and let You lead.

So this time I’m not letting my own opinions go first.

I really want You to succeed.

 

I know all too well—the feeling of doubt and distrust.

I’ve practiced that life for far too long

And it took me in painful circles

Even though I was the one who let it go on and on.

 

I’d like to try something new,

And I understand new doesn’t mean shiny and pain free.

New does mean Companionship with You, the Comforter,

Who has promised to remain ever so close to me.

 

You will be here

Even though I might cry, and weep, and fall limp with pain,

But this time I’m not by myself.

I can lean my heart up against You who too has endured the same.

 

I’ve found a friend

Someone who is beckoning to journey this path with me

And even though I at times might feel shame and condemnation

You have come to rescue me from that false identity.

 

I can take a deep breath

And not try to be a superhero without a power or a cape

Instead I can actually stand in His shelter

And let Him save my heart, my emotions, and the day.

 

Goodbye eternal misery

Goodbye to the endless trail of no hope and emptiness

Hello Comfort and Life

Hello to the One who has come to give me rest.

 

Sing Your Song over me Jesus!

Push out everything that would prevent me from hearing.

Sing Your Song over me Jesus!

Help me lean back, I let You lead, You are the only one I want steering.

Anita Scott

Anita Scott

Poet & Perfromer at Anita Scott
Poetry has always been a second language for Anita. She has performed at local slam poetry and spoken word events. Now, the door is opening for her poetry in small groups and on stages around the United States where she has already shared the same mic with Micah Bournes and Amena Brown Owen. Her poems "Mary Go Round" and "Tears for the Motherland" clearly express Anita’s heart for justice regarding gender and racial reconciliation. People who have seen her perform all attest to the same thing: she is unforgettable.

Anita is also part of Ambassadors Alliance International, a passionate team of people who go into impoverished areas to assess their needs and provide help in the form of food, medical supplies, clothing, education, and job-training that will lead to self-sustainable change.
Anita Scott

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  • Terri

    I have been saving this post all morning so that I could just sit and enjoy your beauty in peace. Oh wow, thank you for the gift of your beautiful smile and then for the privilege of allowing my heart to lean into your heart with your words. Its so hard to hear his song. And so true, this new creation is not shiny or pain-free, but I am awed by the raw and creative power of your pain transformed into the spoken word. Thank you for sharing your week and your journey, wishing you many peace filled moments this week.

  • I finally found time to actually listen to this. I love how you put into words the longing to trust and let God sing His song over you, to rest in his presence, to let him lead. That “old soundtrack” tries very hard to pull us in, tell us to give up or it’s no use trying. But God is there waiting patiently with open arms of love. Thank you, Anita! I always love listening to your words and am blessed. May God bless you!