I’m a pastor’s wife.* And sister, I know how it is. You smile for the family pictures. You corral your children Sunday after Sunday; just getting out the door in time for church feels like you’ve already run a marathon. Maybe you, like me, can feel resentment for this life bubble up now and again. And so you tell yourself: you’re supposed to be in this together. You’re supposed to be his biggest fan, everyone else loves him. But you? You just want a break, or a date night or a full night of sleep by yourself in a hotel room. So you sit in the front row, supportive, yearning for gospel relief, and yet you might just feel caged by the expectations. The expectations that your marriage has to be perfect. That you’re somehow supposed to embody Ephesians 5.
And it is just too much to bear. So let’s let it go, shall we?
Marriage to a pastor was never meant to be a higher calling. Yes, your life might look different from other women in your congregation, but you are not called to perfection. You’re called to Jesus—even in the broken parts of our lives, including your marriage to the guy up on stage.
Maybe I’m just speaking for myself here, but my marriage is hard. Maybe your marriage is all roses and trips to Jamaica with umbrella drinks. But mine: It’s work. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done (along with parenting). Because marriage is a day-in, day-out, relentless giving of oneself in a “warrior dance” where you both give and submit to the other (thank you Sarah Bessey for that image). It hurts. And honestly, it sometimes feels like death. But like a good sweaty workout, there’s growth that comes through the pain.
So ministry wives: let’s put down the act. Sometimes I don’t want to be married; sometimes I think I’d be happier without a spouse. Sometimes I wonder, with bliss and gratitude, how have we made it this far and this long? How have we survived intact in the midst of the chaos and the noise of little children who leave us flat, hands outstretched, always needing more?
Because when we keep looking to another to fulfill us, we become an inward, self-absorbed duo and we lose our ability to reach beyond our couplehood. We’ve so elevated a starry-eyed sense of love that we forget the practical love of self-sacrifice, not just in marriage, but for each other, for a family and for the world.
Let’s just breathe for a minute. No one’s got it together. No one’s marriage is perfect. And as a ministry spouse, you do not need to prove your worth or the worth of your marriage to your congregation or your ministry. How your marriage looks is not a gold star on a “good Christian woman” chart. Friend, this is not your job.
You don’t need to shine up your marriage in its Sunday best, and show your veneered smile, when you know that you’re both hurting inside. It’s inevitable in this dance of marriage, that there is a lack of connection, or growing bitterness and resentment lurking behind your dress and heels. Yet, we’re tempted to keep thinking that by controlling our outward appearance we can change the heart. That if we do better, if our kids behave and succeed, if we start Bible studies or bring snacks or invite people over for dinner, that then we’ll have this pastor’s wife thing figured out.
But that is not your job. Your job is to point to Jesus—in and through your brokenness
Let me tell you: this provides immense relief to my perfectionist self. Guess what? Perfection was never the goal. Jesus is the goal. Jesus is your hero, not some fictional knight in shining armor meant to carry you to a castle of good ministry reputation.
So, pastor’s wives, let’s show our scars. Let’s be real about the hard. The women in your congregation need to see you the real you without your perfectionism makeup on. Let’s tell each other when marriage doesn’t feel like it’s worth it and yet, you know, you know, that it is. Not because of your spouse, but because of Jesus. You know that that’s where Christ meets you, in your broken and hurting places when you still choose to love boldly and to dare greatly to show all of who you are to another person. He takes dead things—even marriages—and brings them back to life.
Let’s not empty the cross of its power and the empty tomb of its glory, by patching over our dying relationships with band-aids. Let’s expose our wounds to the light so they can scab and heal and grow stronger.
Because friend, it was never him, or his vocation, that was meant to satisfy you. It was and is and always shall be only Jesus.
* I realize that there are many Christian traditions with differing views on ordination, celibacy, etc. This is simply my experience as a pastor’s wife, writing to women I know. I hope you find it encouraging wherever you land.
Writer and Editor at aahales.com
Ashley Hales holds a PhD in English, is the wife to a church planter, and mom to 4. Her first book, Finding Holy in the Suburbs: Living Faithfully in the Land of Too Much will be released in October. Connect at AAHales.com and loves to make friends on Twitter.
Latest posts by Ashley Hales (see all)
- I’m Starving and So Are You - October 7, 2022
- 5 Ways to Make it through Covid-19 Still Married - April 22, 2020
- On Younger Self Epiphanies and The Goodness of Limits - January 24, 2020
Kudos for letting your Sunday bun down. Please show me in a marriage in the Bible that wouldn’t be whispered about at a Wednesday night prayer meeting. Concubines, multiple wives, an older guy betrothing a young pregnant teen girl. As long as your husband isn’t building an ark in your back yard and collecting animals for a flood, you’re as human as the rest of us!
Love that first line, Ginger!
Yes, I love this, Ginger — that is entirely true about the biblical marriages being a bit less than perfect. And yet there’s redemption all through them.
Thanks for writing Ashley, this is true in my non-ministry marriage. I often feel this pressure to look like I have everything together. It’s hard to let your scars show in the middle of the mess when you’re not sure how it will all work out. But doing it, inviting people in, gives space for grace and help and prayer and hope and that often ends up being the sweetest gift to me, not to mention the example of vulnerabilty. Great reminders you’ve shared for all of us.
Yes, I think the perfectionism and marriage definitely applies to all of us. It’s in the mess of the unknowing that makes us either try to control things by pretending perfection or throw our hands up in the air and call it good. Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Also, have the date night. Get your church elders to recognise their role in supporting their pastor’s marriage and give him a break.
Yes, regular date nights are key.
Yes!! As a pastor’s wife and PK, this rings so true to my heart and struggle. Thanks for giving us all, pastor’s wife or not, the freedom to be true to who we really are, and the enCOURAGEment to lean into Jesus and our sisters as we all grow in grace, side. by. side. It is so easy to beat ourselves up for being less than perfect, or to think too highly of ourselves on the good days. #PreachingGospelToMyHeart
Yes, it’s easy to pendulum swing from pride to shame. I find myself there a lot. Thank you so much for reading and commenting and preaching the gospel alongside your sisters.
Hey, Ashley–I’m a principal’s wife at a small missionary boarding school in a small community (with an even smaller-on campus/church community), so I can relate. For me, it’s really hard to be transparent about our daughter (who was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder). We asked for prayer in staff meetings, but we didn’t really go into details because we’re just not public sharers (unless it’s commenting on blog posts–because that’s different you know–so much easier to be real! 😉 ). I find it difficult to form ‘real’ friendships an am always way too worried about the Judgy McJudgerton’s. Maybe I shouldn’t be.
Yeah, I get it, it’s so easy to be worried about what people will think and how they’ll react, those Judgy McJudgerton’s. For me, I’m realizing (a la Brene Brown) that when I lead with vulnerability that it’s pretty disarming. And when I realize how much I’m usually apt to be one of those judgy people myself, I realize how I’m not understanding or living in grace. I’ve found Scott Sauls really helpful on this. I think there’s a surface level of vulnerability in the church that makes us feel safe, but doesn’t lead to growth and change and transformation. What do you think?
I think you’re on to something there. It’s easy enough to say, “I’m a sinner in need of God’s grace.” But not to easy to say, “I sin by doing/thinking ______.”
Ashley, I just want to share this with everyone. Ha! This is so good. I am single and have no children (although as a 7th grade middle school teacher, I feel as if I have 55 teenagers:-). I thank you for being so vulnerable and being bold enough to let others tear up, tear down, and flesh out the Kingdom thoughts that need to be exposed. Thank you! I am better because I read this post.
Hello, its nice piece of writing regarding media
print, we all be aware of media is a enormous source of data.
OMG! This is amazing. Ireally appreciate it~ May I show my appreciatation a secret only I KNOW and if
you want to with no joke truthfully see You really have to believe mme and have
faith and I will show how to become a millionaire Once again I want to show my appreciation and may all the blessing goes to you now!.
Wow, wonderful weblog structure! How long have you ever been blogging
for? you made running a blog look easy. The entire look of your website is great, let alone the
content material!
Appreciate this post. Will try it out.
Hi there! Would you mind if I share your blog with my twitter group?
There’s a lot of folks that I think would really enjoy your content.
Please let me know. Many thanks
Hi to all, how is all, I think every one is getting more from this web page,
and your views are nice designed for new viewers.
Quality articles is the crucial to attract the visitors to go to see the web
page, that’s what this web site is providing.
I just could not go away your website prior to suggesting that I actually loved the standard
information an individual provide for your visitors?
Is going to be again steadily to inspect new posts
thank a lot for your website it helps a great
deal.
https://warszawa24.ovh
Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to safeguard against
hackers? I’m kinda paranoid about losing everything I’ve worked hard on.
Any suggestions?
Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite justification appeared to be
on the web the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you,
I definitely get irked while people consider worries that they just do not know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as
defined out the whole thing without having side-effects
, people could take a signal. Will likely be back to get
more. Thanks
If some one desires expert view regarding blogging then i recommend him/her
to pay a visit this blog, Keep up the pleasant work.
It’s remarkable designed for me to have a web page, which is beneficial for my know-how.
thanks admin
Someone essentially lend a hand to make severely articles I might state.
This is the very first time I frequented your web page and so far?
I surprised with the analysis you made to create this particular submit incredible.
Magnificent activity!
Thank you for the good writeup. It if truth be told used to
be a amusement account it. Glance complex to more added agreeable from you!
By the way, how can we be in contact?
Hi colleagues, its fantastic post regarding cultureand entirely defined, keep it up all the time.
Great post. I was checking constantly this blog and I’m inspired!
Extremely useful information specifically the
remaining phase 🙂 I handle such info a lot. I used to be seeking
this particular info for a very lengthy time.
Thank you and best of luck.
Nice blog here! Also your web site loads up very fast!
What host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link
to your host? I wish my web site loaded up as quickly as yours lol
Hello! I just would like to give you a huge thumbs up for
the excellent info you have got here on this post. I am returning to your website for more
soon.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate your efforts and
I will be waiting for your further post thank you once
again.
you are truly a just right webmaster. The web site loading velocity
is amazing. It sort of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick.
Moreover, The contents are masterpiece. you have done a wonderful process in this matter!
Take a look at my site Tales of Alexander Pushkin coloring pages
Slot thailand menyajikan banyak bangsa permainan nan dimana dimainkan plus online selanjutnya dimenangkan menggunakan kemudahan nan tidak terbayangkan. Rekomendasi tersebut bisa Anda dapatkan ketimbang teman yang
sudah berpengalaman pada bidang spekulasi slotthailand online maupun rekomendasi
lainnya bisa Anda dapatkan tambah berkoalisi di sebuah dewan judi slotonline, dimana
dekat dalam pembicaraan tersebut Anda bisa mempersunting sekalian hal nan berkaitan pada spekulasi slot88
thailand, salah satunya menyoalkan situs judi slot online jackpot terbesar.
Situs judi slot vibrasi pg soft tampaknya menjadi saingan nan tepat
bagi situs slot degub pragmatic play. 2022, member dapat
mengetahui kebaikan semenjak posisi tersebut seraya rekomendasi oleh karena pemain nan sudah bertindak di situs tersebut.
Pada games semenjak judi slot online ini, anggota buat dalam suguhkan separo
alternatif warna tontonan yang bisa dekat gunakan. Bandar gambling slot online thailand bisa dipercaya atas ragam terunik pula terakhir merundingkan banyak buah spekulasi online berawal judi bal, kasino,
poker, togel, slot bersama tipuan lainnya. Berikutnya seumpama member sudah
mengindra situs slots online terpercaya, alkisah tidak lupa
untuk mengecek kembali letak slot demo tersebut, bahan melewati pengukuran tersebut mencorakkan mengenai pertama bagi palas-palas kontestan lakukan. Judi slot detak habanero memohonkan sebanyak keuntungan yang menjanjikan untuk slotter berkelakuan game slot
thailand nan mudah menang.
I’m not sure where you’re getting your information, but good topic.
I needs to spend some time learning much more or understanding more.
Thanks for magnificent information I was looking for this info for my mission.
Hmm it ⅼooks likе youг site ate mｙ fіrst commеnt (it ᴡas super long) soo I guess I’ll јust
ѕᥙm it up what I submitted and saｙ, I’m thоroughly enjoying your blog.
I as wеll am an aspiring bkog writer Ƅut I’m still new to everything.
Do уou have any suggestrions for rookie blog
writers? І’d definiteⅼʏ ɑppreciate it.
Check oᥙt my web site … 카지노먹튀
Aw, this was an extremely nice post. Finding the time and actual effort to produce a very good article… but
what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and don’t seem to get
nearly anything done.
I am really enjoying the theme/design of your site.
Do you ever run into any internet browser compatibility problems?
A number of my blog audience have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Firefox.
Do you have any ideas to help fix this issue?
Have a look at my web blog … https://rx2go.com/buy/semaglutide/
In fact when someone doesn’t be aware of after that its up to other viewers that they will help,
so here it takes place.
If some one needs expert view on the topic of blogging and
site-building afterward i recommend him/her to go to see this weblog, Keep
up the good work.
Good day I am so thrilled I found your webpage,
I really found you by accident, while I was researching
on Google for something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thanks for
a incredible post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to read it all at the moment but I have saved it and also added your RSS feeds,
so when I have time I will be back to read a great deal more,
Please do keep up the great b.
My family members every time say that I am killing my time here at web, however I know
I am getting experience daily by reading such good articles.
Hello there, You’ve done a great job. I’ll certainly digg it and personally recommend to my friends.
I’m confident they will be benefited from this website.
Wonderful article! This is the type of info
that are meant to be shared around the internet.
Disgrace on the seek engines for no longer
positioning this put up higher! Come on over and seek advice
from my web site . Thank you =)
Amazing blog! Do you have any hints for aspiring writers?
I’m hoping to start my own website soon but I’m a little lost on everything.
Would you advise starting with a free platform
like WordPress or go for a paid option? There are so many options
out there that I’m totally overwhelmed .. Any suggestions?
Cheers!
Also visit my page hcg-injections.com
Hello my family member! I want to say that this post is awesome, nice written and include
approximately all significant infos. I’d like to look extra posts like
this .
Greetings from California! I’m bored at work so I decided to browse your site on my iphone during lunch break.
I love the info you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I get home.
I’m amazed at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone ..
I’m not even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, amazing
blog!
Let me give you a thumbs up man. Can I with heart reach out amazing
values and if you want to seriously get to hear and also share
valuable info about how to make a fortune yalla lready know follow me my fellow commenters!.
I seriously love your website.. Pleasant colors
& theme. Did you develop this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as I’m wanting to create my own personal blog and want to know where you got this from or just what
the theme is named. Cheers!
Excellent way of describing, and fastidious post to take facts about my presentation subject,
which i am going to convey in university.
You could definitely see your enthusiasm within the article you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who are not afraid to say how they believe.
All the time follow your heart.
This paragraph provides clear idea in favor of the new people of blogging, that actually how to do
running a blog.
I like the helpful info you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your weblog and check
again here regularly. I’m quite sure I’ll learn lots of new stuff right here!
Good luck for the next!
Wonderful website. Lots of helpful information here.
I’m sending it to some friends ans additionally sharing in delicious.
And certainly, thanks in your effort!
Have you ever thought about including a little bit more
than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and everything.
But just imagine if you added some great graphics or video clips to give your posts more, “pop”!
Your content is excellent but with pics and clips, this site could undeniably be one of the most beneficial
in its niche. Great blog!
my homepage :: fx마진거래