No Neat Narrative: Finding Community Without Hiding

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Without community, there is no liberation . . . but community must not mean a shedding of our differences, nor the pathetic pretense that these differences do not exist.”

Audre Lorde

I. I grew up in a nondenominational church with charismatic leanings and “clear doctrine on everything from Genesis to Maps & References.” The Sunday morning routine looked like this when I was younger:

Wake up approx. 7 am
Get washed and dressed
Attend Sunday school
Listen to the deacon’s devotional / call to worship before Sunday service
Spend approx 2 – 3 hours in Sunday service
Spend approx 1 hour in fellowship
Go out to eat

It was pretty much a full workday. Yet in those days, expectations were clear. You were united in what made you similar. It was a space with warmth and love. Yet, it was a space where right doctrine was prized over authenticity. So, it was a space I knew I had to leave if I ever hoped to grow further into myself.

II. Authenticity, coming out of hiding, and community are connected. The more authentic you are, the more your community shifts. The more potential it has to grow. But I didn’t get the warning that it would shrink a bit first. When you refuse to “pretend that your differences do not exist” and matter, you may disrupt the equilibrium of people, spaces, and status quos. And that dissonance can be too much for some.

But being authentic and coming out of hiding was necessary for my spiritual health and well-being. It was also the first step toward a deeper community. It was and is about owning my thoughts, my actions, and my theology. It was/is about verbalizing those things as well:

My authentic self has the space to make mistakes and to grow from them.

My authentic self fights for the inclusion of those who are marginalized.

My authentic self is an artist and a sensitive soul.

My authentic self refuses to be handed a script or pinned down at any point of the process.

My authentic self is ever-evolving.

These are the things I could not hide from even though I’d tried—even though I’d grappled with the fears of losing community in return for opening up about who I am.

So, when a close friend asked, “Have you been able to find a community of faith to worship with in your new city?” my answer was:

“My theological lens is liberatory and womanist. I believe Jesus’ ministry was revolutionary and inclusive. I believe women can, should, and do preach. And I just told a clergy member that ‘If your congregation looks diverse but your leadership doesn’t . . . then you’re still functioning as a predominantly White church.’ If I can find a church that doesn’t give me the side-eye for these things, then I’ll attend (and put something in the plate)”!

Throughout the years, I’ve been called accused of taking the Scriptures out of context, accused of aligning Jesus’ work to my own beliefs on inclusivity (tuh!), and “encouraged to reflect on whether my sociology is informing my theology and deny (my) culture, influences . . . at the cost of following Jesus. But by God’s grace, I’ve also found community in the most expansive ways: through social justice events, in online spaces, with colleagues, at events, and in sacred spaces that leave room for love & nuance.

III. I’m not sure when it happened, but there is a distinct difference between “those days” and “these days”—and there is no truly neat narrative. I am always “coming out of hiding” in some way, sometimes through writing, but mostly through what I choose to say yes & no to. [You’ll get that on the way home].

These days, there’s greater nuance. I allow myself to say, “I don’t know . . . I believe . . . I’m sorry. Through being authentic, I have found my community. We’ve been marginalized by the dominant pop-theology of the day and we’ve been cliched towards a “breakthrough” more times than can be counted. Yet, we are still drawn to and by God. We do not always agree on the details. But we do agree to an ethic of love. We meet in online spaces. We ask questions and offer encouragement. We meet over barbeque chicken, mac & cheese, tea for those who don’t drink, and cocktails for those who do. We are not a designated church. We are the “two or three gathered.”

Jade Perry

Jade Perry

Writer at Jade T. Perry
Jade Perry is a writer, speaker, higher education professional (multicultural student affairs / diversity initiatives), and avid tea drinker! Her mission is to offer information, ideas, & counter-cultural narratives that will empower readers to thrive and to lovingly and creatively challenge systems toward greater levels of inclusion! She writes regularly at JadeTPerry.com and contributes to a myriad of platforms.
Jade Perry
  • Carol McDonald Simmons

    This really speaks to my heart. I especially resonated with the statement about leadership and function.

    • Jade Perry

      I’m so glad that these words were able to resonate with you! I can remember saying them out loud and having one of those, “Oop! Jade, did you just say that?” moments. Ha! But I’ve learned that it is so true and learned to stand by them, grow into them, and share them more and more.

      • Carol McDonald Simmons

        It also seems that there are too many organizations that are “politically correct” in theory, but no in practice. It’s easy to say something; harder to follow through, especially when it’s not an inherent belief. Sometimes it seems that a leader will say, “okay, we’ll accept you”, but continued practices do not bear that statement out.

  • Love this post. I especially found “We do not always agree on the details. But we do agree to an ethic of love.” very resonant. Lovely.

    • Jade Perry

      Thanks so much Katie. 🙂

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  • Jade – although I’ve come to a different space, I went through a really similar experience, I thought since I couldn’t find peace/myself/truth in my orthodox community with very specific rules/expectations/beliefs that I wasn’t a Christian, that perhaps God wasn’t real or maybe I didn’t actually believe after all. But after a wrestling, doubting, fighting season, I found that maybe God looks different than I thought He did and that there was room for my questions and disagreement and different in a different kind of religious community. I’m glad you’re finding spaces and people to live this thing out with, because I think that’s mostly the point. Grace to you and thanks for sharing your story with us.

    • Jade Perry

      Ooooh Lindsey I’ve DEFinitely been there. There was a solid year that I was just like “Maybe I’m not a Christian #heathenlife” Lol! I can relate to what you say in doubting, wrestling, fighting, and then coming to more of a wider space. I think this is something that so many have gone through and an experience that, for whatever reason, is not shared too frequently. One of the best books I’ve read on this subject is Faith Shift by Kathy Escobar. I’ve read it until it got all worn out! Might speak further into this space for you, as well.

  • I am all too familiar with “a space where right doctrine was prized over authenticity.” It’s work to find yourself and your tribe but it’s totally worth it. Thanks for your words.

    • Jade Perry

      Yes, indeed! And it’s a shame when that happens because I think we don’t really get to sharpen ourselves theologically UNTIL we are free to ask those questions and experience new things. It certainly is work to find yourself & tribe and it can feel lonely at times. But in my experience it’s a different kind of loneliness – it’s really sitting with who you are as an individual. It was even lonelier for me when I was pretending that I was someone that I am not just to HAVE a tribe.

  • Tammy Perlmutter

    Jade, I am so glad you are here! Who knew that when we met online a few years through Hakim we would be partnering like this? I love your words and your voice, especially this: “The more authentic you are, the more your community shifts. The more potential it has to grow. But I didn’t get the warning that it would shrink a bit first.” THE SHRINKING! Yes! i feel like that’s my call, to a constantly shrinking community:) IT hurts, and it’s uncomfortable, but the alternatives are worse. It’s lonely, but it’s real. Thanks for sharing with us.

    • Jade Perry

      No problem! I’m really grateful that we met and I’m grateful for this platform as well! I’m still growing into the idea of a consistently shrinking community. As someone who LOVES a neat transition this is something that I’m still wrapping my head and heart around. But it’s so important to me to see people be free and to share my authentic self with them that it is definitely worth that cost. Glad to be here and glad to share these words & experiences!

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