Disappointment: A Holy Invitation

Months before my husband and I went away for our tenth anniversary, I began to fantasize about the celebratory getaway. We would eat dinners by candlelight, give each other extravagant presents, walk along the beach reminiscing about our wonderfulness, and of course, make love each night. As Christopher has learned, I’m fluent in all five love languages and on important events, such as birthdays and anniversaries, I want to experience as many as possible. When the weekend finally arrived, I was nearly giddy as we drove away.

That lasted about four hours. I was so eager to receive his imagined amazing gift that not long after we settled into the bed and breakfast I suggested we exchange presents. He slid his hand into his bag and pulled out—wait for it—a card and a pen and sat down to write. On the day of our anniversary. I watched him and thought, “Ten years wasn’t enough time to prepare for this date?” My giddiness morphed into anxiety.

He wasn’t unprepared: He had written a poem for me. As he began to read it, my emotions immediately tangled around themselves like a ball of discarded fishing line. My inner dialogue went something along the lines of, “A poem? I wasn’t expecting a poem. I wanted something tangible. How could he not know that? After ten years, he still doesn’t understand me.” I tried to rally, but failed. He countered with justifiable anger. Instead of joyfully kicking off our second decade, this weekend began a painful and disconcerting year. (Just for the record, I’ve repented for my selfish ingratitude.)

Though we were not conflict rookies, the intensity and stickiness of our anger unnerved both of us. It was as if this single event somehow exposed every deficit in our marriage. After months of palpable tension, we turned to wise friends who helped us understand how we had been avoiding and/or minimizing our disappointments. As a result, we never learned what they were trying to teach us and endlessly looped around the same half dozen fights. Sound familiar?

In the context of marriage, if we find ourselves habitually disappointed, we have four options: to divest and/or quit, to pretend that everything is fine (which is dishonest), to try and change our spouse (which never works), or, to ask God to use the disappointment to transform us so that we can love our spouse independent of their behavior. If we want our marriage to thrive, we really only have one choice.

That choice is not easy to make. Disappointment, as author Mike Mason points out, often causes us “to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements.” In order to give more of ourself—rather than pull back—we need to reframe disappointment as a holy invitation. By pressing into this disquieting feeling, we can discern what drives it and hopefully open ourselves up to the possibility of deep and lasting change.

Disappointment can be nebulous. It sometimes attaches to other more identifiable emotions such as sadness, irritability, fear, or despair, making it difficult to identify. Marital disappointment often surfaces in connection to what our spouse has or hasn’t done. We feel disappointed because he stopped exercising and gained weight. Disappointed that she cannot break free from depression. Disappointed that he does not want to pray regularly. Though we can experience disappointment in our own failures and limitations, it’s much easier to fixate on our spouse’s.

According to psychology professor Jeffrey Bjorck, at core, “disappointment is an initial response to learning that our expectations will not be met.” Once we realize the connection between disappointment and expectations, if we continue to experience disappointment, it indicates a resistance to accept and grieve the loss of those expectations. If we repeatedly resist, we get stuck.

Apparently, I have resisted accepting my losses because disappointment has been a faithful companion for most of my life. It has consistently robbed me of joy, perhaps specifically in my marriage. That anniversary fight? Because I came into the weekend with rigid expectations (I wanted flowers, a thoughtful card, sex, and a tangible gift), I was unable to appreciate my husband’s unique offering. Ironically, the traditional tenth anniversary present is tin or aluminum—symbolizing the flexibility that marriage requires of us.

The Role of Disappointment in Ferreting Out Unhelpful Expectations

Christopher and I have had our share of sticky disappointments; that’s part of what our year-ten crisis was all about. When I married him, naive optimism over-shadowed the reality that he does not like public displays of affection, his mercurial, and has time deficiency disorder. (Don’t bother looking this up; I diagnosed him.) That same optimism obscured the reality that I struggle to need him, am too quick to judge, and prefer reading to talking at the end of the day.

We crashed into these relational speed bumps more times than I care to admit. In order to avoid further bruisings, we had to learn to stop avoiding these problematic feelings and start exploring what they meant. Not long after we made that decision, something shifted.

Rather than staying in a place of disappointment and blame, I started asking the Lord to help me repent of any unfair expectations, focus on Christopher’s strengths rather than his weaknesses, and finally, develop reality-based expectations. At least for the two of us, developing reality-based expectations continues to be one of the most difficult components of creating and maintaining a healthy marriage. Sometimes, it’s easier for us to cling to unrealistic expectations than it is to let them go and grieve. Clinging is a form of denial that masquerades as hope. We persist in clinging because it gives us something to hold onto and allows us to side-step the hard work of grieving.

I may be slow but I have learned to mourn and let go of most of my unrealistic expectations. As I’ve made this choice, I gradually began to understand that it was my expectations—not any actual deficits—that kept my disappointment on life-support. (To clarify, it’s not wrong to express our hopes or desires to our spouse or even to ask them to develop in a previously undeveloped area. When it becomes clear that they will not or cannot meet our expectations, we have to adjust those expectations.)

For the last fifteen years, God has been helping Christopher and me move beyond the constriction of disappointment. This has allowed us to appreciate each other more fully and to give ourselves more freely—without fear of being rejected. As evidence, for my fiftieth birthday, he organized a magnificent party complete with fresh flowers, a hilarious game of Dorothy based Jeopardy, and best of all—a gluten-free/dairy-free potluck. It was a marvelous evening made all the more sweet because he not only initiated the celebration but clearly intended to romance me. I’m happy to say, he succeeded!

This article was adapted from Making Marriage Beautiful (2017) published by David C Cook. Used with permission.

Click the image to purchase your very own copy!

 

Dorothy Greco

Dorothy Greco spends her work days writing about how following Jesus changes everything. When not sitting in front of the computer, she can be found attempting to create gluten-free/dairy-free meals or kayaking with Christopher.Dorothy Greco spends her work hours making photos of beautiful things and writing about how following Jesus changes everything. Her first book, Making Marriage Beautiful, was born on January 1. In her free time, she loves to kayak with her husband, walk her fluffy cockapoo in the woods, and cook yummy paleo meals.

Latest posts by Dorothy Greco (see all)

  • This is an amazing invitation to see marriage as a spiritual discipline — as a tool in the hands of God for refining us!

    • Yes! It is a spiritual discipline and one that He definitely uses to make us more like Him. So good, yet at times, so hard!

  • Jody Ohlsen Collins

    So honest, so right on. Thank you Dorothy, thank you Mudroom. Sharing.

  • Rebecca

    Your words hit close to home; changing my expectations in marriage is an up hill slog and at times I resent it bitterly. Rather than focus on all of our blessings and clearly undeserved graces, it is so easy to focus on what is missing. Jesus is calling me to relinquish my expectations for intimacy to his all capable hands and leave them there, yet, time and time again I take them back and binge on them like a gallon of chocolate ice cream (bad news especially for a fellow gf df girl). Thank you for sharing your example of how you and your husband are making it work.

    • Thanks for reading and commenting Rebecca. I agree. It’s hard work to let go of the things that feel/are important to us. God does back us but I find it still takes a lot of effort and intentionality. Many blessings.

  • Stephanie Thompson

    Dorothy, thank you for your post. The timing is in line with my prayers. My husband and I find ourselves in a season of change-our oldest entered college and the other two are teens. Because so much of our roles together involved parenting, we now find ourselves trying to figure out who we are as a couple and rediscovering what drew us to each other in the first place. Add on the impact of raising a child with mental illness and a few other storms and rediscovery brings with it many challenges. How has the last 10 years affected each of us? The storms in some way allowed us to avoid confronting differences as well as grieving and ultimately praying for God’s peace. I needed to hear your story.

    • Stephanie, thank you so much for weighing in and vulnerably sharing your experiences. I hope and pray that the Lord guides you in this process of coming to terms with the disappointments of the past ten years. Much grace.

  • Thanks for sharing! I am only a few months into my marriage, but I have already learned that I need to have very low expectations when it comes to gifts from my husband. Case in point: very similar to you, for our first Christmas, I had expected jewelry based on several comments he had made, and he instead had handmade me a “coupon” book. Was it heartfelt? Yes. Was it what I wanted? No. And I had to force myself to focus on the fact that it came from his heart and not show him my disappointment. I think he knew anyway. So I have begun holding myself accountable rather than projecting blame: if I didn’t voice my desire, then I can’t expect him to read my mind. Less romantic, but also less likely to cause conflict. We’ll see how it goes!

    • Joanna, you sound like a very mature and wise woman! I’ve found the challenge in this is not allowing my desires to die but instead uncovering my true desires. May the Lord sustain and guide you as you learn how to do this well over the long haul. It sounds like you’re off to a great start.