My list of best friends used to be long.
I’d prattle off a list of 20, 30 names, believing each person held and knew and understood a different part of my core. I’d count the number of weddings I’d been not only a bridesmaid in, but also a maid of honor in, not-so-secretly believing my ability to maintain close friendships with so many people a rare ability I alone possessed.
Now, hear me out: I’m not necessarily proud of my words as I type them now. But I am proud of the truthfulness with which I write.
Because what I once staked my very identity on – that uncanny ability to hold seemingly intimate relationships with so many people – does not define me anymore. I don’t hold more than a handful of deep friendships now, mostly because I can’t hold and do and be what I used to hold and do and be when it comes to relationships.
And I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing. In fact, I dare say it’s a very healthy thing, and how we were designed to operate in the first place. But because I believed this my superpower for so long, it took this relational superhero awhile to realize her limited human capacities.
Sure, little blips on the radar popped up along the way: I moved, a lot, up and down the west coast, for school and jobs and marriage just the same.
And when you move, for instance, a couple of things happen along the way: first, you realize how hard it can be to start over. You find yourself yearning and longing for conversations with people who get you, with whom you don’t have to explain yourself. Eventually, you might learn how to find contentment with just you, yourself and a box of take out sushi on a Saturday night. If you’re lucky, you learn that being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.
But you also learn that some of the people whose friendships you held most dear were for a particular place and season. You learn that some people, soul-worthy as they may be, are really, really good at being best friends when you live six blocks away, but not so good at staying in touch when you live sixty minutes away.
And it’s hard when you realize you hold different views on the same friendship.
Do you remember that old chain email that went around, back in the day when we communicated via email forwards, long before Facebook was even a twinkle in Mark Zuckerburg’s eyes?
The message went something like this:
Friendship is for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Some people come into your life for a specific reason. They’re a one-hit wonder on the record player of relationships in your life, but the chance encounter you had with them may very well have changed you from the inside out.
Other friends are there for a season: maybe you share similar life stages, so you intimately understand what the other person is going through, be it singleness or young children or divorce alike. Whatever the circumstance, they’re in it with you. They choose you and you choose them for that particular time and place in your lives.
But seasonal relationships are not meant to be a forever thing.
That’s why lifetime friends exist: so we may experience the raw and rare beauty of just a handful of souls. These people are the ones we hold most dear, for they hold the keys to our hearts. They’ve known us at our ugliest, and they’ve seen us at our finest, and you know what? They love us just the same.
In fact, dare I say, they love us because of it. When all the ugly and beauty and parts that make us us collide, they say, I love everything about you, friend.
And they mean it. They really, truly mean it.
So, here’s what I’m learning today, in the messy, holy crux of intimate relationships: we’re only meant to have and hold a few of these rare gems, and that’s okay. There are only a few people we’re meant to call lifetime friends, who pursue us and want to know us just as much as we pursue and want to know them.
My best friend list may only be three or four names deep now, but the depth of that list digs deep into this earth. It twists and gnarls and spirals downward, and the farther it goes, the more I feel known.
And I think that’s what we all crave most of all, anyway.
- Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now - January 22, 2018
- The Birds and the Bees and Belonging as a Family - October 11, 2017
- Book Awakenings - June 12, 2017
12 thoughts on “Reason, season, lifetime.”
Distance….it’s the biggest challenge to my friendships. It’s worth the work but it is work. Thanks for the reminder that not all of our friends are meant to be forever friends.
Thanks for your kind words always, Debby. It’s a hard but good lesson for me to learn.
I love this, Cara.
Thanks Marie. 🙂
Indeed. I have the hardest time letting go of friendships whose season is over but there is no physical move. I’m learning it’s ok and part of life. Thanks for these profound observations.
Mmm. You said it well, Annie. I too have a hard time when we both grow and stretch beyond the original means of our friendship. In this with you!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s a topic with which I wrestle, stretching myself to connect with that long list of friends who have come into my life through the decades. But it’s hard. Letting go is also hard. Somewhere in the middle lies discernment over who to set free for the benefit of both of us.
Letting go IS so hard, Stephanie. And I love what you say about finding that middle spot of discernment, over who to FREE (on both sides!)
Awesome post. I absolutely agree… and I’m about twice your age and have lived in two different countries and have seen the truth of this up close and personal again and again. I would define myself with the word ‘friend’ but have also realised that that has been my weakness as well as my great strength. And now, yes, having moved again to a new city after 2 decades on the other side of the world, working on establishing new friendships again, and wishing for a cuppa with people who get me because of the years… Great article right here, Cara.
Oh Bev, thank YOU for your kind words. And I can’t wait till we get to sit down and share a cuppa together. 🙂
Beautifully written, Cara! We probably all have friends in all those categories – reason, season and lifetime. Some friends are in different categories than we first thought and like you said, “And it’s hard when you realize you hold different views on the same friendship.” But then there are those that last through the years no matter how far away you move or how long it is between times of seeing each other. You can pick up right where you left off as if no time has passed. I love those kinds of friendships. Being loved and understood is “what we all crave most of all, anyway.” Blessings to you, dear Cara!